HMRC’s £1 Billion CRM Upgrade: A Tone-Deaf Response to 798 Years of Hold Music Misery

In a move that could only be described as a bureaucratic fever dream, HM Revenue and Customs (HMRC) has announced a £1 billion plan to overhaul its customer relationship management (CRM) system. This comes after a damning report revealed that UK taxpayers collectively spent the equivalent of 798 years on hold in 2022 alone, navigating a labyrinth of automated menus and soul-crushing musak. While HMRC pats itself on the back for finally addressing its customer service catastrophe, the audacity of this billion-pound Band-Aid raises a question: how does an organisation so spectacularly fail its core function and then expect applause for promising to fix it?

 

Let’s start with the numbers, because they’re as infuriating as they are absurd. The National Audit Office (NAO) found that HMRC’s phone lines, the primary lifeline for millions of taxpayers, are a black hole of inefficiency. In 2022, callers waited a total of 7 million hours—equivalent to 798 years—for someone, anyone, to pick up. That’s longer than the entire history of the Magna Carta. Imagine the collective anguish of small business owners, pensioners, and everyday workers, clutching their phones, praying for a human voice to resolve their tax nightmares. Meanwhile, HMRC’s response to this crisis was to close phone lines during peak times and funnel people toward an online portal that’s about as user-friendly as a tax code written in hieroglyphics.

 

The NAO didn’t mince words: HMRC’s service levels are “unacceptable.” Callers faced average wait times of over 20 minutes, with some enduring hours only to be disconnected or redirected to the wrong department. One in three callers gave up entirely, likely resigning themselves to tax penalties or existential despair. And this isn’t a one-off; HMRC has been skating on thin ice for years, with successive reports highlighting its inability to handle basic inquiries. The Public Accounts Committee called it a “declining spiral,” noting that staff cuts and underinvestment have left the tax authority creaking under the weight of its own incompetence.

 

So, what’s HMRC’s grand solution? A £1 billion procurement project to modernise its CRM system, complete with shiny new tech and promises of “improved customer experience.” Forgive the scepticism, but this smells like a taxpayer-funded boondoggle. For starters, £1 billion is an eye-watering sum for a system that, at its core, needs to answer phones and process forms. Compare that to the £250 million spent on the entire UK census in 2021, which managed to collect data from 55 million people. HMRC’s track record on tech projects doesn’t inspire confidence either. Remember the £10 billion IT overhaul of the early 2000s that crashed and burned, leaving taxpayers footing the bill? Or the “digital by default” push that alienated anyone without a PhD in navigating gov.uk? Throwing money at tech vendors isn’t a strategy; it’s a surrender.

 

The real kicker is HMRC’s apparent obliviousness to the human cost of its failures. While they’re busy tendering contracts to tech giants, small business owners are losing hours they can’t afford, self-employed workers are drowning in paperwork, and vulnerable citizens—like the elderly or those with disabilities—are left stranded without support. A 2023 survey by the Federation of Small Businesses found that 80% of its members had faced delays or errors with HMRC, costing them an average of £3,000 in lost time or penalties. These aren’t abstract statistics; they’re real people being crushed by a system that treats them as collateral damage.

 

And let’s talk about accountability—or the lack thereof. HMRC’s leadership has offered little more than platitudes, with no senior resignations or meaningful apologies for the chaos. Instead, they’ve deflected blame onto “high call volumes” and “complex tax queries,” as if taxpayers are the problem for daring to ask questions. The £1 billion CRM upgrade feels less like a genuine fix and more like a PR stunt to deflect from years of neglect. If HMRC were a private company, it would’ve gone bankrupt or been sued into oblivion by now. But as a government monopoly, it faces no real consequences, free to bumble along while citizens pay the price.

 

What’s galling is that the solutions aren’t rocket science. Hire more staff. Train them properly. Simplify the tax code so people don’t need a law degree to file a return. Invest in call centres instead of outsourcing to companies that treat callers like cattle. A billion pounds could fund thousands of frontline workers, but HMRC seems more interested in flashy tech than fixing the basics. The CRM project might streamline some processes, but without addressing the underlying rot—understaffing, poor training, and a culture of indifference—it’s like putting a new engine in a car with no wheels.

 

The UK taxpayer deserves better than this. HMRC’s job is to collect taxes, not to make people’s lives a living hell. After 798 years of hold music, a £1 billion promise isn’t a triumph; it’s an admission of failure. Until HMRC stops hiding behind buzzwords like “digital transformation” and starts treating citizens like human beings, this latest procurement is just another chapter in a saga of incompetence. The clock’s ticking, HMRC. Pick up the damn phone.

 

Note: This article uses publicly available information from reports by the National Audit Office, Public Accounts Committee, and media coverage of HMRC’s performance as of April 2025. No specific X posts or user profiles were analysed, as the topic is well-documented in mainstream sources.

Tax does have to be taxing.



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