HMRC Office Attendance Plummets to Lowest in a Year – Civil Servants Discover the Duvet is Mightier Than the Desk

 

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

Fresh figures sneaked out by the ever-transparent HM Revenue & Customs show that office attendance across their sprawling empire has collapsed to the lowest level in twelve months. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, while you’re being dragged back to your workplaces like Victorian chimney sweeps, HMRC’s finest are apparently treating the concept of “presenteeism” with the contempt it richly deserves.

According to the latest internal data, average attendance across their 170+ sites has dipped to a magnificent 28%. That’s lower than the chance of getting a sensible answer when you ring the VAT helpline on a wet Tuesday afternoon.

Some regional offices are reportedly running at 12% on a good day. At that rate they might as well turn the buildings into storage units for all those unused self-assessment forms, P45s, and the complete box-set of every HMRC IT disaster since 2004.

Naturally, the mandarins at 100 Parliament Street are spinning this faster than a politician caught with both hands in the expenses tin. “Flexible working”, they coo. “Empowering our people”, they trill. Translation: “Please don’t notice the empty offices we’re still paying business rates on while we threaten private-sector workers with the sack if they don’t return.”

Let’s remind ourselves who these work-from-home warriors actually are:

• The same people who fine YOU £100 for being three days late with a tax return
• The same people who still haven’t fixed the Child Benefit shambles eighteen months later
• The same people whose idea of customer service is a phone system that plays Vivaldi for 45 minutes before cutting you off

Yet they can’t manage to drag themselves to a desk more than once a fortnight.

Brilliant.

If you’re one of the unlucky sods who actually has to go into an office, console yourself with a proper ergonomic chair (unlike the £19.99 plastic torture devices HMRC buys in bulk):
→ Best office chair for people who actually show up to work

Or maybe invest in a decent webcam so you can attend all those pointless Teams meetings from the comfort of your own bed – clearly the HMRC-approved way:
→ Webcam good enough for civil servants who never leave the house

And if the stress of dealing with HMRC ever gets too much, treat yourself to the finest single malt known to man – because you’ve bloody earned it:
→ Whisky to drink while crying over your latest HMRC penalty notice

Meanwhile, the handful of dutiful souls who DO turn up find the office milk has evolved into a new life form and the meeting rooms smell like a wet Labrador.

Truly the heroes we don’t deserve.

So there we have it: HMRC – the department that demands you account for every last penny – can’t even account for 72% of its own staff on any given day.

If this were a private company the shareholders would be reaching for the pitchforks. But this is the public sector, where failure is always rewarded with a bigger budget and a glowing write-up in The Guardian.

Pass the biscuits. And the whisky. It’s going to be a very long decade.

Tax does have to be taxing.


HMRC Is Shite (www.hmrcisshite.com), also available via the domain www.hmrconline.com, is brought to you by www.kenfrost.com "The Living Brand"

HMRC Announces 60% Office Attendance

 

 

HMRC has recently confirmed a significant change in office attendance for its employees. Starting from 2nd April 2024, all grades within the organisation will be required to attend the office at least 60% of their working time. This move comes as part of the government's efforts to transition back to a more traditional office-based work environment.

You would have thought that they should already be in the office on a daily basis!

The 'Office Attendance Tool'

To facilitate this transition, HMRC is introducing the Office Attendance Tool. Here are some key points about how it works:

1. Automatic Data Gathering: The tool automatically collects data from various sources to determine where an employee is working. If an employee docks their computer at an office desk, it registers as a day of office attendance. Connecting via Government Wi-Fi does not create a report, but swiping into an office with a swipe card system also counts as attending the office.

2. Manager Access: Managers do not have access to specific timings for swiping in or docking computers. The system simply registers office days without providing detailed information on arrival or departure times.

Outstanding Concerns

Despite the implementation date being set for 2nd April, there are several outstanding concerns raised by employees and the Public and Commercial Services Union (PCS):

1. Office Capacity: Employees are worried about office capacity and whether there will be enough space to accommodate the increased attendance.

2. Travel Costs: Some employees may face additional travel costs due to increased office attendance.

3. Training: Concerns exist regarding the level of training provided to staff and managers on how the tool functions.

4. Functionality: The functionality of the Attendance Tool itself has been questioned, especially after access issues were reported during the initial rollout.

As I said, it rather beggars belief that staff are not already in the office 60% of the time!
Tax does have to be taxing.

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